My children have Autism. I know it seems like a simple statement, but you’ll never know the amount of struggle and pain that lies behind it. Parenting is difficult as a rule, but when children are autistic, it changes a lot of the rules. I have to be more tuned into specific issues regarding the Autism, as well as typical childhood misbehavior. I cannot discipline them for their Autistic symptoms – so I have become obsessed with learning everything about Autism because I need to learn the difference between the Autism and them being preschoolers, and discipline accordingly. I want them to let me into their world, not force them into mine. They have to learn to adapt to my world that is a fact. But I can’t help them do so if I don’t attempt to understand their world. And you know what? I think I like their world better!
There is so much hype about Autism in the media today, and so many of these children are portrayed as lost, sad, trapped in their own world, and even retarded! Parents lament over not being able to hold their child, and the children are viewed as not being able to express or receive love. Very few people have seen happy, well-adjusted, and yes – Autistic- children! My kids are not stuck in their minds and unable to come out! My kids aren’t sad and they are very good at expressing their love – and receiving it! My children’s world is bright, vivid, and fun! It has the typical cast of characters dear to young children – Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, Rugrats, etc. They love to play with play dough and blocks and stuffed animals. They sing and count and learn their alphabet, much like other children. It’s just not in conventional ways.
I called this article Love Language because that is how my kids are with me – our love for each other is the language that bonds us. My children can’t talk to me as other 3 and 4 year olds can. There is no “Mommy, why is the sky blue?” No “He started it!” They cannot tell me what they want for Christmas, or if they are sick or hurting. I have to be extra careful to be tuned in to them and figure these things out, because as far as I have discovered, there is no piece of paper coming out of any orifice I’ve checked that will tell me what’s going on with them! But my children have the brightest smile when I walk into the room! They have the most beautiful, intensely blue sparkly eyes, and their complexity of emotions is expressed in them, there for me to clearly read if I take the time to. They cannot tell me they love me, but they show me every day. And this is the part that will really boggle your mind – they WANT connection! My kids try everything POSSIBLE to connect with me too! We mostly have found connection through song.
Everything has to be song. Last night as I was tucking them into bed and doing our ½ hour long bedtime routine, Angel realized that I knew theme songs for some of her character toys. So she would bring up Winnie the Pooh and sing “Wiee ah Poop” and grin, waiting for me to sing it. Then she’d bring up her big stuffed Dora the Explorer and sing “D-d-d-d-d Dowa!” and wait for me to sing it too! This is not apathy here – she WANTS to connect! She brought a stuffed monkey to me and started singing the Monkeys on the Bed, and her brother climbed up in my lap and TOTALLY interacted with the song using sound effects, and mimicking character voices and “counting” on my fingers to see how many monkeys were left! And later when I went to check on them, they were both sleeping in the same bed!
This is not failure to communicate! These children have amazing minds! Their minds are like tape recorders – they record information mostly put into song or on videos. My daughter can remember whole scripts from her favorite shows and acts them out with character voices and emotions. She also uses scripted language to tell me what she wants. For example, she says “C eeh ah cookie! Ahmnumnum!” She is acting like Cookie Monster, when she wants a cookie. My boy will copy me when I play with play dough, play many hand/song games with me, and excitedly run at me with big hugs when I come home from work. This is our love language.
So as a parent who has children with Autism, I can go two different routes. In writing this article, I could have easily described my broken heart, broken dreams, and “broken” kids, lamenting Autism and obtaining your sympathy. A lot of people go that route. I could describe my kids as disabled. But I don’t think they are the disabled ones! People with the true disability are the ones who judge a parent because their child has a meltdown in a store due to sensory overload. The disabled ones are people who tell you of great group homes you can ship your child to, or institutions, because they obviously can’t be cared for by conventional parents in a loving home. Truly disabled people are the people who don’t understand or don’t want to understand the nature of Autism, but find it easier to lay judgment on the parents or call the kid a brat because they are so much better than you. That just makes our job as parents more difficult, and isolating. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have jealousy over my friends’ typical kids. My life is hard, and it can be isolating. It revolves around therapists and doctors, medications, PCA’s and IEP’s. But it is also quite joyful and fun! My dreams for my children are broken, shattered on the floor. But all that means is that my children and I can build new dreams! My children are not disabled, they are differently abled.
The message I want them to get from me is that they are my very special gifts – angels that left their wings for me, to quote my sister’s poem. They are loved and cherished, and valued for their unique minds. They are not broken. There is no limit to what they can do! They don’t need to understand us. We need to understand them. And give them every advantage to adapt to our world.
There is so much hype about Autism in the media today, and so many of these children are portrayed as lost, sad, trapped in their own world, and even retarded! Parents lament over not being able to hold their child, and the children are viewed as not being able to express or receive love. Very few people have seen happy, well-adjusted, and yes – Autistic- children! My kids are not stuck in their minds and unable to come out! My kids aren’t sad and they are very good at expressing their love – and receiving it! My children’s world is bright, vivid, and fun! It has the typical cast of characters dear to young children – Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, Rugrats, etc. They love to play with play dough and blocks and stuffed animals. They sing and count and learn their alphabet, much like other children. It’s just not in conventional ways.
I called this article Love Language because that is how my kids are with me – our love for each other is the language that bonds us. My children can’t talk to me as other 3 and 4 year olds can. There is no “Mommy, why is the sky blue?” No “He started it!” They cannot tell me what they want for Christmas, or if they are sick or hurting. I have to be extra careful to be tuned in to them and figure these things out, because as far as I have discovered, there is no piece of paper coming out of any orifice I’ve checked that will tell me what’s going on with them! But my children have the brightest smile when I walk into the room! They have the most beautiful, intensely blue sparkly eyes, and their complexity of emotions is expressed in them, there for me to clearly read if I take the time to. They cannot tell me they love me, but they show me every day. And this is the part that will really boggle your mind – they WANT connection! My kids try everything POSSIBLE to connect with me too! We mostly have found connection through song.
Everything has to be song. Last night as I was tucking them into bed and doing our ½ hour long bedtime routine, Angel realized that I knew theme songs for some of her character toys. So she would bring up Winnie the Pooh and sing “Wiee ah Poop” and grin, waiting for me to sing it. Then she’d bring up her big stuffed Dora the Explorer and sing “D-d-d-d-d Dowa!” and wait for me to sing it too! This is not apathy here – she WANTS to connect! She brought a stuffed monkey to me and started singing the Monkeys on the Bed, and her brother climbed up in my lap and TOTALLY interacted with the song using sound effects, and mimicking character voices and “counting” on my fingers to see how many monkeys were left! And later when I went to check on them, they were both sleeping in the same bed!
This is not failure to communicate! These children have amazing minds! Their minds are like tape recorders – they record information mostly put into song or on videos. My daughter can remember whole scripts from her favorite shows and acts them out with character voices and emotions. She also uses scripted language to tell me what she wants. For example, she says “C eeh ah cookie! Ahmnumnum!” She is acting like Cookie Monster, when she wants a cookie. My boy will copy me when I play with play dough, play many hand/song games with me, and excitedly run at me with big hugs when I come home from work. This is our love language.
So as a parent who has children with Autism, I can go two different routes. In writing this article, I could have easily described my broken heart, broken dreams, and “broken” kids, lamenting Autism and obtaining your sympathy. A lot of people go that route. I could describe my kids as disabled. But I don’t think they are the disabled ones! People with the true disability are the ones who judge a parent because their child has a meltdown in a store due to sensory overload. The disabled ones are people who tell you of great group homes you can ship your child to, or institutions, because they obviously can’t be cared for by conventional parents in a loving home. Truly disabled people are the people who don’t understand or don’t want to understand the nature of Autism, but find it easier to lay judgment on the parents or call the kid a brat because they are so much better than you. That just makes our job as parents more difficult, and isolating. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have jealousy over my friends’ typical kids. My life is hard, and it can be isolating. It revolves around therapists and doctors, medications, PCA’s and IEP’s. But it is also quite joyful and fun! My dreams for my children are broken, shattered on the floor. But all that means is that my children and I can build new dreams! My children are not disabled, they are differently abled.
The message I want them to get from me is that they are my very special gifts – angels that left their wings for me, to quote my sister’s poem. They are loved and cherished, and valued for their unique minds. They are not broken. There is no limit to what they can do! They don’t need to understand us. We need to understand them. And give them every advantage to adapt to our world.
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